Apparently, It’s Not About Me (Again)

Apparently, It’s Not About Me (Again)

This is what I know.

This morning I begrudgingly threw my legs over the side of my bed an hour after my alarm because, frankly, I wasn’t too excited to have my quiet time with Jesus. There are days I fling my covers back at the first bleat eager to cozy up with caffeine and the Bible. On these days, I thirstily search His Word and welcome His peace invading me while the sun rises. Even if that peace only lasts until the fourth child ascends the staircase.

Today was not one of those days. Perched at my kitchen table reading, writing, and drinking (just coffee, mind you) I was overcome with how tangled up I am in my own sin. I recognize I do not have two “free” thoughts strewn together during the day. That is, thoughts that are free from my own agenda, my own fleshly desires. The majority of my cogitation travels on my brain’s super highway paved by years of selfishness, self pity, and entitlement.

Super slick highway in my brain.

I was keenly aware of my encumbrances this morning because a friend of mine and I were meeting a sweet woman to pray over her in three short hours. Can I get my act together in that amount of time? Negative. How am I, a woman engulfed in my own sin, going to sit in this gentle woman’s house, lay hands on her, and expect God to answer my prayers?!

As I traveled from my dwelling to hers I thought, “God, You are going to have to show up, because I’ve got nothing. I don’t have the right formula for you to revive this lady. I don’t know the perfect verses to speak over her that will usher in healing and freedom. I feel like I am unable to grasp true freedom in my own life, how am I supposed to call it down from heaven for someone else?

So, what happens? We show up. We talk. We settle into our chairs, lay hands, close eyes and look upward. And, guess what? He. Showed. Up.

I drove away in thankful awe. It, this life and the happenings therein, have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

As if to drive the point home, He gave me another dose this afternoon at a “cosmetic” (read: facial hair removal) appointment. Sitting among wax and papers, this warrior of a single mom and I were hugging and tearfully begging God to show up with His protection, His healing, His Husband and Father-like character in her life.

Does He stop there? Nope.

Hours later I’m sitting in a coffee shop watching the sun set because Fun Dad and Discerning Husband knew “The Look” on my face and whisked the little darlings out of my presence and onto a sledding adventure so I could be an adult for a few hours.

While listening to the first lecture for my class this semester (ironically entitled Helping Relationships) God brings an oldy, but a goody kind of friend to my chair. Moments later she and I and a new Spirit filled friend who happened to be perched alongside us are deep in prayer begging God to reach in and do what only He can do.

So at the end of a day where I woke up burdened by my own heart’s sinful pallor certain I was a useless twig destined for the fire, I am humbled and grateful to my Abba that He gives me the privilege of seeing Him work. I don’t know what He has planned for all that transpired today, but I do believe He led this day. Hence, a plan exists.

How many times must I drink in this lesson? Apparently, one more: It’s not about me at all. It’s all about Him and His glory.

These days aren’t about me striving to be good enough, sinless enough, strong enough, funny enough, smart enough, valued enough.

It’s about Him being good enough, sinless enough, strong enough and loving enough.

Why do I even write this?

Not because I’m great and did great things today. I write it because I’m a hot mess, but He is GREAT, and I believe did great things today. And I write it because next week when I am deep in my mire of my daily life again I want to remember what transpired today.

I hope this is encouraging to you, Dear Friend. Evidently, He loves us no matter what when we are His. Equally apparent is that He knows all our junk, but still thinks we are usable. So. Grateful.

For the past month, I have clung to the song featured below. I may or may not sing it in the shower, sing it out while walking our blessing of a dog (a few weird looks through windows on that one), and blare it through the radio while cooking.

I pray it blesses you, encourages you, causes you to cry the tears you’ve been shoving down deep with in you and brings you to your knees in grateful awe of our Daddy who uses us despite ourselves.

I have taken to signing off my emails the way my first dear Mentor does hers because it resonates truth within me and makes me feel like we are all in this life together.

And that is-

Running beside you,

Johanna

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